Ceiling

I'm awake.
Staring at the ceiling.

I'm not sure what I hope to see there.
Certainly not an answer to my situation.
The situation that keeps me up at night.

Awake and thinking about how I feel.
Thinking about how to move.
   In any direction.

As my Master says, 'the genie is out of the bottle now'.
Which means, he has no intention of returning to the way things used to be.

The life that was blissful for me.
The love that felt safe.
The arms that felt comforting.
The lips that made me swoon.
The bare skin on skin that sent a thrill through my whole body.

So, no going back.
So, this means moving forward.
I don't know how to do it.
Take a step.
I try and get told I'm not safe.

Wait! What?
What do you mean, I'M not safe?
I'm the one stuffing all my feelings.
I'm the one taking a double dose of anti-depression meds.
I'm the one smiling while my heart breaks.

Swirling, whirling thoughts and emotions.
As I stare at the ceiling.