Ceiling

I'm awake.
Staring at the ceiling.

I'm not sure what I hope to see there.
Certainly not an answer to my situation.
The situation that keeps me up at night.

Awake and thinking about how I feel.
Thinking about how to move.
   In any direction.

As my Master says, 'the genie is out of the bottle now'.
Which means, he has no intention of returning to the way things used to be.

The life that was blissful for me.
The love that felt safe.
The arms that felt comforting.
The lips that made me swoon.
The bare skin on skin that sent a thrill through my whole body.

So, no going back.
So, this means moving forward.
I don't know how to do it.
Take a step.
I try and get told I'm not safe.

Wait! What?
What do you mean, I'M not safe?
I'm the one stuffing all my feelings.
I'm the one taking a double dose of anti-depression meds.
I'm the one smiling while my heart breaks.

Swirling, whirling thoughts and emotions.
As I stare at the ceiling.

Gratitude

On this day of thanks, I find myself reflecting upon the things I am thankful for in my life.
As we all do (or should).

I am grateful for:

• My health (I'm still alive after having melanoma 3 years ago).
• A successful business.
• The sunshine.
• The flowers.
• My sisters.
• My friends.
• Still having my parents.
• My smart & lovely daughter.
• My brilliant & handsome husband and Master.

And finally,
The love of my husband and Master.

Ah, there it is.

My husband and Master loves me.
But wants the affection and sexual intimacy of other women.
He says he is not complete without this.
The total and complete bliss that once filled my heart and soul is gone.

I am so in love and would never tell him not to do what makes him happy.
He says it is like when he has other powerful experiences (i.e. public speaking, performing, etc.)
Well, to me, it most certainly is NOT the same.
On a mental level, I get it.
I get that he feels more energized by this experience and has more to give our relationship.

However, he may feel happier and fulfilled but I feel nothing but sadness and emptiness.
I am closed to him.
The happiness he wants to share with me is lost on me.
The walls around my heart that I willingly removed for him have returned.
Stronger and more impenetrable than ever before.

So what am I thankful for on this day of thanks?
I guess am grateful for still having defenses to protect my heart.
But really,
Nothing.

Mourning

Black is the traditional attire of a mourning spouse.
Those most affected by the loss of a loved one often observe a period of grieving.
This can be marked by withdrawal from social events and quiet, respectful behavior.

I am in mourning.
I have lost my love.
I have lost the thing that made me thrill each day.
I have lost the connection with my Master that filled me with overwhelming bliss.

I can no longer have sex with my Master.
It is too painful.
Painful to know that he goes out to fuck some other woman.
Try as I might, I cannot open myself to him.
The connection we had when we made love is gone.
It is no longer love-making.
It is just plain ole fucking.
I find no joy in it.

When he finally decided to act upon his desires to find another woman, I withdrew.
Withdrew from all the social activities I formerly found fun.
I couldn't be around people.
All I wanted to do was cry.
And if I could keep myself from crying, I certainly wasn't engaged in the activity.
My friends want to know what is wrong.
Which would just make me want to cry.
How could I tell my friends that my husband and Master was actively seeking other women?
I can't think of a way to say it without sobbing.
It is enough for me to deal with without having to tell my friends.

I am quiet at work.
I am quiet at conferences.
I teach and speak at conferences frequently.
I can rally to teach the things I know but once the session is over, I'm spent.
My once outgoing and warm personality is gone.
I have nothing to give anyone.
I have nothing inside me to share anymore.

I've taken to wearing black (even black nail polish).
I wish I could cover my face so no one could see my red-rimmed eyes.
It's not a fashion statement.
It is a reflection of the darkness within my heart.

I am in mourning.

From Radical Monogamy to Polyamory (and all the stuff in between)

I was recently referred to as a radical monogamist. 
I wasn't familiar with the terms so I asked what was meant.
This person said that I was fully and passionately in love with my Master/husband and he was the most exciting thing for me. 
True.
But that I also was not opposed to having relationships/sex with others because my Master is the one that truly excites me.
Also true.
Anyone other than my Master was just 'condiments' to my sex life.
All this made sense to me as it was true for me.

However, I wanted to know more about this concept and hence, did research.
What I found was NOT the definition presented to me.

Most of what I found about radical monogamy states:
The Christian teaching about marriage is radical, unconditional monogamy.
OR
Radical monogamy being the rejection of even serial monogamy.

In between, is what is called serial monogamy.
The practice of engaging in a succession of monogamous sexual relationships.

Another in between, would be swinging: 
A non-monogamous behavior in which both singles and partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity.

And finally, we end up with polyamory:
The practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships where individuals may have more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners. It has been described as "consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy". 

One of the interesting things I read is that the polyamory community, by and large, refuses any definition that describes how poly works. In one sense, that is quite liberating and in another, quite frustrating when you are trying to navigate through your own experience. 

The poly community likes to say they are open an welcoming to everyone. EXCEPT swingers. Many blogs and posts I find state things like:
Swingers tend of focus on compartmentalizing sex and feelings; they often believe that it is not possible to have feelings of attachment to more than one person at the same time.
It is sad really, that those that tell others to be tolerant of their choice of lifestyle are so militantly anti-swinger. What makes you so much better than others that practice their own form of consensual non-monogamy? 

I'm not necessarily a monogamist but I find that my Master/husband is the one person that I have opened every bit of me to have and hold. I find that depth of connection the most exciting thing I have ever experienced. 

Do I want other men (or women)? Maybe. I'm less excited about the people and more excited about how I could be with other men and have it please my Master. Do I want to have a relationship with these people? Sure, I want to at least like this person since my largest erogenous zone is between my ears and connecting on some level is the first step towards any relationship, sexual or otherwise. In the end though, having my Master push my boundaries by performing outside my comfort zone is the most exciting thing I could do for him (and me). 

I find that it is not so black and white.

And who are the polys trying to kid? I mean, if you love someone and it is nonsexual, then you are close friends (I have several male and female friends like this). So, if you are calling yourself poly, then you intend to have sex with another person. Your level of like or love can vary greatly. 

Who gave the poly community exclusivity to caring and friendship?

I found this essay good when it stated:
Polyamorists have an idea in their head of what "swinging" is, and it's not actually what most swinging is (although sometimes it is). Many swingers are mutual friends. Or become such. Or are looking for such. Or prefer such. And friendship is love. And wanting friendship is wanting love. And that's poly.

I guess you could say I've been a (sort of) serial monogamist most of my life. Married, divorced, serious, exclusive relationships (one of which included something between swinging and poly) and finally followed by marriage.

However, I'm NOT excited about my Master going off to fuck some other woman without me just to come home and want to tell me about it while smelling like her.
It doesn't excite me. 
It freezes me. 
It shuts any passion I have for him. 
I shut the door of my heart on him.
No longer does he have access to my deepest emotions.
No longer do we have the depth of connection that we did.

So no, I guess I'm not a radical monogamist nor a polyamorist.
I'm something in the middle.
I find the middle of the road is a hard place to walk.

Broken

Sometimes I feel broken.
Broken by my husband's desire to fuck other women.
Broken by my despair and hopelessness.
Broken by the loss of a love that was blissful.

I'm not actually broken.
It's not me that is broken.
It is my relationship with my Master and husband.

The relationship is broken.
The connection between us is broken.

The connection that was so dear to us both.
This connection is damaged.
I try to act like nothing is wrong.
When I do, my actions feel insincere.
I know he feels the loss as well.
A loss that is tempered by his NRE (New Relationship Energy: another stupid thing the polys have invented to make themselves justify the pain of having their partner go off and get busy with some other person).
He doesn't feel the broken I feel.
He only feels the arms, lips, vagina and ass of some other woman.
It dulls his broken.
Like some kind of medicine.
I guess I'm glad he is spared some of the agony.

It is sharp and painful to me as walking on broken glass.
A knife shoved into my chest each time he mentioned his metamour (another one of those made up poly words).
I feel every moment of pain.
Flinch at the smell of some other woman on his lips.
The knowing that he was fucking her just hours before coming home to conquer me.

My reaction?
I shut down.
I can't stand the pain.
I want it to stop.
I want to jump off the glass and find a way to soothe my tortured heart.

Can we repair the broken?
Can the connection be mended?

I don't know.
I know of no glue to fix it.
No amount of talking seems to fix it.
No amount of affection eases the sorrow.
As long as my Master continues on this path, our home and love is broken.

Happy

Many in the poly world, the poly elitists, say that to be a good partner, you must be happy for your partner to have another.
If you are a rational person, a thinking person, a person not stuck in old-fashioned views, you must be happy for your partner to get busy with another person.
They call it compersion.
The made up word by the polys for the so-called joyful feeling that you have when your spouse had a great time banging someone else.

There is no such word.
Go ahead, look it up.
It doesn't exist in the dictionary.
The polys made it up to make themselves feel better about fucking other people while their spouse is at home miserable.

Sure, I want my husband to be happy.
I like it when he is happy.
I'm delighted when he feels his power.
I'm even more delighted when he feels his power over me.

When he comes home after fucking some other woman (not the word I want to use but I'll be polite), I can't say I feel like doing the happy dance for him.
In fact, I don't even want him to touch me.
I'm about as far from happy as I can be.

I guess I'm not rational.
Or a thinking person.
I must be old-fashioned (although no one I know would say I was that in any way, shape or form).

I'm not happy.
Despite trying to be.
I'm miserable.

Happiness doesn't live here anymore.

Frozen

My heart is frozen.

The barren winterscape of my love is cold.

I am cold.

Cold inside.

So cold that it hurts to breathe.

So I stop.

Breathing.

To breathe means hurt.

Pain.

To breathe means to cry.

Frozen tears fall upon my warm face.

Frozen because I must protect my heart.

From being hurt.

Hurt so wholly.

A heart frozen to keep the blood from pouring out.

Pouring out my anguish.

Frozen to contain the torment.

Frozen to the world.

Frozen to my Master.

Frozen to myself.

No warmth or love to share from my frozen heart.

Keep Still

I’m a fan of classic movies. Gone With The Wind, The Thin Man, Bell Book and Candle, Ball of Fire, and, The Women. The Women from 1939 (don’t waste your time on the 2008 version), for those not familiar with the movie, is based on a Broadway play that features, you guessed it, only women. The plot focuses on Mary Haynes and her cheating husband and her busybody friends. There are an amazing number of one-liners delivered by some incredible actresses: Marjorie Main (better known as MaKettle), Paulette Goddard (known best for her role in Kitty), RosalindRussell (better known as Auntie Mame but my favorite is His Girl Friday) among others.

However, my favorite character is the lead: Norma Shearer. She was an amazing woman in so many ways. The role as Mary Haines feels so true to her. Historians called her "the exemplar of sophisticated 1930s womanhood...exploring love and sex with an honesty that would be considered frank by modern standards". Shearer is celebrated as a feminist pioneer, "the first American film actress to make it chic and acceptable to be single and not a virgin on screen". This almost revolutionary spirit appeals to me. I feel like have the ability to be strong, vibrant and then turn all that on its head to be a Devoted Submissive to my Master. 

I’ve seen this movie many many times but I’ve watched it a lot lately. It doesn’t seem to matter that it is from almost 80 years ago, the message is clear to me. If you love your husband (or partner), you need to keep your mouth shut if they cheat. This holds true for me in a mono/poly relationship too. My Master isn't cheating. He is open and transparent and so very loving. I’m sure many would say that I am living a lie. I don’t think it is that black and white.

Mary’s mother tells her early in the movie, ‘Keep still, my baby. Keep still even though you ache to speak.” This one sentence is the key for me.

Keep still.

Keep still even though my heart breaks.

Keep still even while I choke down the sobs.

Keep still and smile.

Keep still and try to find my way.

Keep still and collaborate joyfully with my Master.

Keep still to have peace and joy again.
Keep still and reach for the light.

I know I will reach it.

I just want it soon.