Mourning

Black is the traditional attire of a mourning spouse.
Those most affected by the loss of a loved one often observe a period of grieving.
This can be marked by withdrawal from social events and quiet, respectful behavior.

I am in mourning.
I have lost my love.
I have lost the thing that made me thrill each day.
I have lost the connection with my Master that filled me with overwhelming bliss.

I can no longer have sex with my Master.
It is too painful.
Painful to know that he goes out to fuck some other woman.
Try as I might, I cannot open myself to him.
The connection we had when we made love is gone.
It is no longer love-making.
It is just plain ole fucking.
I find no joy in it.

When he finally decided to act upon his desires to find another woman, I withdrew.
Withdrew from all the social activities I formerly found fun.
I couldn't be around people.
All I wanted to do was cry.
And if I could keep myself from crying, I certainly wasn't engaged in the activity.
My friends want to know what is wrong.
Which would just make me want to cry.
How could I tell my friends that my husband and Master was actively seeking other women?
I can't think of a way to say it without sobbing.
It is enough for me to deal with without having to tell my friends.

I am quiet at work.
I am quiet at conferences.
I teach and speak at conferences frequently.
I can rally to teach the things I know but once the session is over, I'm spent.
My once outgoing and warm personality is gone.
I have nothing to give anyone.
I have nothing inside me to share anymore.

I've taken to wearing black (even black nail polish).
I wish I could cover my face so no one could see my red-rimmed eyes.
It's not a fashion statement.
It is a reflection of the darkness within my heart.

I am in mourning.