Gagged

I'm trying.
Trying to embrace your choice.
Trying to be excited for your choice.
Trying not to sob over your choice.

Inasmuch, I suggested that we play together.
Play with her.
Together.

Maybe, just maybe
I can let go of the soul-crushing anguish
The debilitating apathy engulfing me.
If I can be a part of your experience.

I want to be excited.
I guess I am a bit.
Excited to wear your collar.
Excited to be your submissive.
Excited to be on display.
Excited to show my devotion.

But, I don't trust my voice.
I almost beg you to put the gag on me.
Your ownership is complete already.
But the collar and gag allow me to hide.

I know that sounds strange.
I'm naked, on display and flogged
And yet,
By not being able to speak,
I feel somehow hidden.

I'm not me in this moment.
I'm a body.
I'm the collar.
I'm the gag.

Thank you for silencing my heartache.

No More

I love music.
All kinds of music.
I have an amazing amount of music in my iTunes library.
So much so that I leave my playlist on random so I can hear all of it.
A song came up last week that I hadn't heard in awhile.

I've always liked Annie Lennox and her work.
This song in particular has always had a poignant quality.
It struck me hard last week.

I'm so torn and distraught these past few years.
Desire
Despair
Desire
So many monsters.

I desire you, my Master.
I despair your desire for others, Master.
I desire your love, Master.

The monsters torment me.
When I look at you, I hear the words in my head.
No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me
No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me in silence.

Silence.
I choke on the words, "I love you".
My voice is gone.
I have no words.
No more words to tell you.
To tell you how despondent I am over your choice.
Your choice to share yourself intimately.
Sharing yourself in such a way that makes your touch less special.
Makes me less special.

Oh, so many monsters!
The demons haunt me.
I cannot say the words anymore.
Changes are shifting.
Inside and outside.

Circle

Feeling happy.
Feeling your love
Feeling your attention.
Letting myself swoon in your arms.
Warm
Cozy
Bliss

You whisper sweetly in my ear.
Murmurs of affection.

Then
'She' enters
Enters the room with your whisper.
"I'll be back later for you".

I feel like I got punched in the stomach.
The breathe leaves me.
I stop breathing to try and stop the hurt from spreading.
Too late.
It is throughout my body.
Frozen.
Now shallow breathes.
A forced smile for your benefit.
A smile to try and make my soul believe it too.

I manage to keep the tears in check.
Until you leave.
Leave to go fuck 'her'.
There is a roaring in my ears.
Tears burn my eyes.
I fall into the darkness.

Please!
Please, I beg the darkness
Please let me go.
Please let me leave this place of hell.
Hell couldn't be as bad as how this feels.
An all consuming pain.
Pain that sears through my heart.
That rips my soul apart and stomps it to pieces.

I self medicate with alcohol.
To ease the torture.
Ease my hopelessness
I try to sleep but stare at the ceiling
Trying to relax

Hoping you come home.
Whenever.
Hoping you don't come home.
Ever.

You will.
Eventually.
After you have fucked your way to satisfaction.
Fucked 'her' with joy.
After you both had a good time.
While I sobbed with intolerable pain.

I'll be shut down.
And unwelcoming.
You'll caress me.
And whisper how exciting it was.
And how powerful you feel.

I want to share your joy.
I only feel agony.

You'll pay attention to me for a few days.
Attempt to make me feel loved.
My frozen and crushed heart will thaw and mend a bit.

Then one night, you'll whisper in my ear.
"I'll be back later for you"

And we start the cycle again.
The never-ending circle of joy and pain.

Restless

Antsy

Edgy

All code for you wanting to go fuck someone else

I mean, let's be real

When you say that, that is what you mean

Don't try to kid me

I know the code now

Just say it:

     I want to be with her

    She is more exciting than having you

    You are old news

    You come with kid

    And responsibilities 

    And baggage

    Never mind that you desire

    You desire the same kink as me

    You desire my affection

    While I demand yours 

Restless dick

That's what you are

I'm over it

Go fuck yourself 

Realization

It hits me

It hits me like a ton of bricks

I realize that I've loved a phantom

I loved an ideal

I've loved something that wasn't  real

I have loved you

Let you have every bit of me

More of me that I've ever shared with anyone

My bad

I should've realized

The dream

The hope

The thing that all humans long for

Doesn't actually exist

Love

Love is a dream

You might have it for a moment

But that's all

The love that you have it's a fantasy 

It could never last

I realize now

That what we have is now a business deal

And I need to treat it as such

I need to let go of my childhood teenage fantasies

Of an all consuming love

I realize now it never existed

In The Dark

I just want to be here 

Here in the darkness

The darkness of the night

The darkness so I don't have to see anything 

The darkness keeps me hidden

Darkness covers my despair 

The darkness that keeps me hidden from you

The darkness that lets me hide

    From the sunshine of your smile 

The darkness overwhelms the light that shone from within me

   The darkness that glistens for you

It's easier to be in the dark than to have my light extinguished 

  Repeatedly 

    Over and over and over again

By your false love

Foolishness

I feel foolish right now 

Foolish 

I looked in your eyes I thought I saw love

I'm sure I saw your love

But it was fleeting.

It wasn't for me tonight.

Maybe it was for me for a few moments up for me. 

Ultimately I don't know that it's actually love that you're sharing. 

It might be love that you're sharing with me.

It might just be lust that you're sharing with her.

The bottom line is you've been gone for a week

And you came home tonight only to turn and leave again

To be in her arms not mine. 

I guess I need to wake up

And realize 

That I'm really not that important to you.

Coats - Old and New

I'm here. 

Waiting. 

I wait each week for your return. 

Only to find that you get here and want to leave again. 

Leave to meet 'her’. 

And I feel like dirt. 

Did you chose to not take me to the family event knowing that you would want to meet 'her' afterwards?

Did you leave me here to watch our teenager knowing you didn't plan to come home?

Yes, that was your plan. 

You say you care for me. 

And when you say it, I believe you. 

I'm beginning to wonder if I believe you

  Because I really want to

OR

  Because it's true. 

What is it?

Truth. 

The truth is you don't want me. 

Not really. 

Truth. 

I'm here to care for your home. 

Your child. 

Your comfort. 

Truth. 

I don't keep you warm anymore so you need another one. 

Or maybe I'm just the old coat to warm you when no one else will have you. 

I feel like a old coat tossed aside. 

And feeling pretty chilly myself. 

I don't think I can spare any warmth for you. 

Since I get no true warmth in return. 

Filters

I like to take pictures.
Lots of them (well, I used to but that's another story).
I rarely use filters since I like the natural colors of the world around me.

But I have a lot of communication filters that I've recently created for my Master.
Not because he asked for them, just because they are appearing.
The last few months, the communication between us has been breaking.
Not completely but in a few key places.
And it is spreading.
Like a, well, I don't know what but I find I have more filters each week.

Surprise Filter
As we sit at a table at a restaurant chatting with friends, you reach under the table and place your hand on my leg.
I jump imperceptibly; surprised at your small sign of affection.
I hope that you don't notice my surprise.
Simultaneously, my mind wanders to how you must do the same with your other woman.
I smile and realize that I'm not fully enjoying your love.
I shrink inside without being able to help it.

Gazing Filter
We have always had these sweet loving moments where we simply gazed at each other.
Across the room.
Sitting quietly next to each other.
Waking up and snuggling.
You whisper sweetly to me that you love me.
And then something creeps into me.
I wonder if you say the same thing to your other woman.
My heart skips and shrivels just a bit.
The moment loses some of it's potency.
I've lost something that is sublime.
I hope you don't notice.

Skin Filter
There is nothing I love better than to run my fingers along your curves.
To appreciate the small of your back.
To hear you sigh when I lightly touch your collarbone.
To feel you relax when I stroke your cheek.
To press my naked breasts against your chest.
To feel your powerful legs.
And I know it's sounds crazy but I love feeling the hair on your legs graze mine.
But (isn't it always about the but?),
It only takes a few seconds and the moment of joy is gone.
I think about how 'she' can do the same thing.
How she can appreciate your shape.
How she can enjoy your soft skin.
How she can make you sigh and moan.
I am lost.


Sex Filter
Sigh, to feel your desire for me.
The delightful sting of your pinching fingers.
Your strong grip on my wrists make me writhe and squirm.
It excites us both.
Your hard cock pressing against me.
My breathe coming faster as I become more aroused.
You whisper in my ear something about how you would play with me and 'her'.
My breathe stops.
My heart stops.
My passion is tempered.
I want you.
I want you WITHOUT her in the room (real or imagined).
Even if she isn't there and you don't mention her, she is there in my mind.
I fight the tears.
Unless you spank or pinch me, then they flow freely.
I know you sense that the tears are more than the physical pain.
I know you want to free me from the bonds of my breaking heart.
But I know you do not realize the depth of my despair.
You enter me and I only can think of when you fuck her.
She is in the room.
The elephant in the room of my mind.
There is no letting go for me.
There is no pleasure for me.

Flying Filter
Flying.
Something so incredibly special.
Something that I had heard about but had no idea what it felt like; until you.
The first time this happened, we were both in awe.
It feels like a spiritual experience that I share with you.
Something that reaches beyond a normal human connection.
The most special sharing gift I have every had with anyone.
Flying could have never occurred between us with any barriers.

All barriers (aka filters) became unknown with you.
Now, they are returning.
The barriers that I happily banished.
Return as strong as ever.
With reinforcements being added each day.
I want to tear them down so badly but I cannot.
I must protect myself.
And to protect myself from you is to lose the richest treasure I ever had.