No More

I love music.
All kinds of music.
I have an amazing amount of music in my iTunes library.
So much so that I leave my playlist on random so I can hear all of it.
A song came up last week that I hadn't heard in awhile.

I've always liked Annie Lennox and her work.
This song in particular has always had a poignant quality.
It struck me hard last week.

I'm so torn and distraught these past few years.
Desire
Despair
Desire
So many monsters.

I desire you, my Master.
I despair your desire for others, Master.
I desire your love, Master.

The monsters torment me.
When I look at you, I hear the words in my head.
No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me
No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me in silence.

Silence.
I choke on the words, "I love you".
My voice is gone.
I have no words.
No more words to tell you.
To tell you how despondent I am over your choice.
Your choice to share yourself intimately.
Sharing yourself in such a way that makes your touch less special.
Makes me less special.

Oh, so many monsters!
The demons haunt me.
I cannot say the words anymore.
Changes are shifting.
Inside and outside.