Circle

Feeling happy.
Feeling your love
Feeling your attention.
Letting myself swoon in your arms.
Warm
Cozy
Bliss

You whisper sweetly in my ear.
Murmurs of affection.

Then
'She' enters
Enters the room with your whisper.
"I'll be back later for you".

I feel like I got punched in the stomach.
The breathe leaves me.
I stop breathing to try and stop the hurt from spreading.
Too late.
It is throughout my body.
Frozen.
Now shallow breathes.
A forced smile for your benefit.
A smile to try and make my soul believe it too.

I manage to keep the tears in check.
Until you leave.
Leave to go fuck 'her'.
There is a roaring in my ears.
Tears burn my eyes.
I fall into the darkness.

Please!
Please, I beg the darkness
Please let me go.
Please let me leave this place of hell.
Hell couldn't be as bad as how this feels.
An all consuming pain.
Pain that sears through my heart.
That rips my soul apart and stomps it to pieces.

I self medicate with alcohol.
To ease the torture.
Ease my hopelessness
I try to sleep but stare at the ceiling
Trying to relax

Hoping you come home.
Whenever.
Hoping you don't come home.
Ever.

You will.
Eventually.
After you have fucked your way to satisfaction.
Fucked 'her' with joy.
After you both had a good time.
While I sobbed with intolerable pain.

I'll be shut down.
And unwelcoming.
You'll caress me.
And whisper how exciting it was.
And how powerful you feel.

I want to share your joy.
I only feel agony.

You'll pay attention to me for a few days.
Attempt to make me feel loved.
My frozen and crushed heart will thaw and mend a bit.

Then one night, you'll whisper in my ear.
"I'll be back later for you"

And we start the cycle again.
The never-ending circle of joy and pain.