Won't Go Away

Despite the very ambiguous meaning of the lyrics, this song is emotionally powerful.

These feelings won't go away

I want them to.
But they never seem to

You know it ain't easy for these thoughts here to leave me

You know the sorrow
Is always present
In my heart
But you continue on the path

Diamonds they fade

Just like the bright
Blissful
Enduring
Diamond of our love

They been knocking me sideways
They been knocking me out lately

Knocking out my zeal
My enthusiasm
My fire for life
My passion for you

I keep thinking in a moment that time will take them away

I know you hope
As I do
That I will come
To feel as you do

And I'm telling you
But these feelings won't go away

Crossing the Streams

You've been having your fun
Fun with her
While I feel utter despair
But at least, it's been private

Private lives
Have stayed private
Separate
She is a toy
To be played with
Respected yes
But played with by you
At a hotel
A suitable place for your play

Our lives
Are ours
No disruption
No intrusion
To our, or their
Privacy

Sure, she has a family
A husband
As we have a family
Our home
Is our sanctuary
A (kinda) safe place for us
Our family
The serenity not encroached upon
With anything other than your absence
And words

But now,
You and she have crossed the streams
You went to her house
I objected
It didn't matter
You said I was illogical
Her family was gone
Her husband knew you were there
To play
With his wife

Your rationale;
Three adults didn't care
It was just a house
Even mind that it is THEIR house
The house that THEIR family
Is safe and happy (I guess) in.

The delicate balance of our universe has been disrupted
Again
It was already on the edge
You don't care that I care
That you fucked her in THEIR house
That you know her better
After being at THEIR house

You don't need to know her better
She must remain a toy
Her private life must remain hers
If you want to maintain the outwardly appearing fragile calm of our universe

This is bad.
Imagine all life as you know stopping instantaneously
And every molecule in your body
Exploding at the speed of light
Total plutonic reversal
That's bad.

This is bad.

Speak

I've been trying 

Trying to be honest

Share my feelings

Mine

Not yours

My experience

How I feel

When you go fuck her for hours on end

I share

I'm calm (at least I try to be)

I'm logical 

We discuss

How to move forward

How to stop the pain and frustration

On both sides

We end with no resolution

You want to fuck other women

I sob while you do so

You say, "go get a boyfriend"

I say I don't want one

I just want you

I want you to want to play with me 

For hours on end

Instead, you play with me for minutes 

After you fuck someone else for hours

Do I feel slighted?

Yes

Do I feel less than worthy?

Yes

You can say I'm insecure 

I don't believe so 

My feelings are valid. 

I guess the easiest thing is not to speak

Sharing Your Toy

I'm grateful for your willingness to share.
Share her.
Meet her.
Experience her.
With you.

Our hope,
our desire
was to make it fun for all.
Especially for me.

I needed to show my submission.
Show my devotion
To you
My Master

Collared
Bound
Gagged
I became an observer.

And observe I did.
I saw you touch her.
Whisper to her.
Enjoy her.
Like a toy.

I got it.
She is a toy to you.
Yes, a person too
That you treat with respect.
That you consider her thoughts, feelings and boundaries.
You like her (but don't love)
But she is a toy nonetheless.

A toy that provides pleasure to you.
The pleasure of making her moan.
The pleasure of making her squirm.
The pleasure of making her wait.
For you.
To dominate.

As you teased her
You gazed at me.
You wanted me to feel
Your excitement
The thrill of having both of us

I wanna feel your fire
I wanna feel your joy
Let me blow your mind
I'm your sex toy

I didn't.
I wanted to but sadly not.
I felt many things but excitement wasn't one of them.

Your original toy fell down dark hole of despondency.
With no visible way to find the light again.

Gagged

I'm trying.
Trying to embrace your choice.
Trying to be excited for your choice.
Trying not to sob over your choice.

Inasmuch, I suggested that we play together.
Play with her.
Together.

Maybe, just maybe
I can let go of the soul-crushing anguish
The debilitating apathy engulfing me.
If I can be a part of your experience.

I want to be excited.
I guess I am a bit.
Excited to wear your collar.
Excited to be your submissive.
Excited to be on display.
Excited to show my devotion.

But, I don't trust my voice.
I almost beg you to put the gag on me.
Your ownership is complete already.
But the collar and gag allow me to hide.

I know that sounds strange.
I'm naked, on display and flogged
And yet,
By not being able to speak,
I feel somehow hidden.

I'm not me in this moment.
I'm a body.
I'm the collar.
I'm the gag.

Thank you for silencing my heartache.

No More

I love music.
All kinds of music.
I have an amazing amount of music in my iTunes library.
So much so that I leave my playlist on random so I can hear all of it.
A song came up last week that I hadn't heard in awhile.

I've always liked Annie Lennox and her work.
This song in particular has always had a poignant quality.
It struck me hard last week.

I'm so torn and distraught these past few years.
Desire
Despair
Desire
So many monsters.

I desire you, my Master.
I despair your desire for others, Master.
I desire your love, Master.

The monsters torment me.
When I look at you, I hear the words in my head.
No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me
No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me in silence.

Silence.
I choke on the words, "I love you".
My voice is gone.
I have no words.
No more words to tell you.
To tell you how despondent I am over your choice.
Your choice to share yourself intimately.
Sharing yourself in such a way that makes your touch less special.
Makes me less special.

Oh, so many monsters!
The demons haunt me.
I cannot say the words anymore.
Changes are shifting.
Inside and outside.

Circle

Feeling happy.
Feeling your love
Feeling your attention.
Letting myself swoon in your arms.
Warm
Cozy
Bliss

You whisper sweetly in my ear.
Murmurs of affection.

Then
'She' enters
Enters the room with your whisper.
"I'll be back later for you".

I feel like I got punched in the stomach.
The breathe leaves me.
I stop breathing to try and stop the hurt from spreading.
Too late.
It is throughout my body.
Frozen.
Now shallow breathes.
A forced smile for your benefit.
A smile to try and make my soul believe it too.

I manage to keep the tears in check.
Until you leave.
Leave to go fuck 'her'.
There is a roaring in my ears.
Tears burn my eyes.
I fall into the darkness.

Please!
Please, I beg the darkness
Please let me go.
Please let me leave this place of hell.
Hell couldn't be as bad as how this feels.
An all consuming pain.
Pain that sears through my heart.
That rips my soul apart and stomps it to pieces.

I self medicate with alcohol.
To ease the torture.
Ease my hopelessness
I try to sleep but stare at the ceiling
Trying to relax

Hoping you come home.
Whenever.
Hoping you don't come home.
Ever.

You will.
Eventually.
After you have fucked your way to satisfaction.
Fucked 'her' with joy.
After you both had a good time.
While I sobbed with intolerable pain.

I'll be shut down.
And unwelcoming.
You'll caress me.
And whisper how exciting it was.
And how powerful you feel.

I want to share your joy.
I only feel agony.

You'll pay attention to me for a few days.
Attempt to make me feel loved.
My frozen and crushed heart will thaw and mend a bit.

Then one night, you'll whisper in my ear.
"I'll be back later for you"

And we start the cycle again.
The never-ending circle of joy and pain.