Misery in Mono/Poly Land

4 years ago, my Master started the slow misery of my world by announcing that he was Poly. He had always felt that way but society made him feel it was bad and so he didn't acknowledge it as a possible way to live.

I felt like my world had been turned upside down. The bliss and adoration of my husband and Master was shattered. I've felt angry, betrayed, extreme sadness and all the other things that you might expect.

I want to support my husband and Master in his choice. Since I'm anything but a prude (I fall somewhere between a swinger and an all-out poly person), I decided I should learn as much as I can about this form of lifestyle. I read and read and read. Books and blogs and websites. I go to poly meetups, support groups, couple and personal counseling.

• I'm angry when I read poly elitists state that I'm old-fashioned (I most certainly am not). Or just state that I'm flat out wrong for feeling this way. Well, guess what, fuck you and your holier-than-thou poly shit. That isn't a real way to convince me by shaming and discounting my feelings. 
• I'm shocked when someone tells me that I should get a divorce because we are doomed.
• I'm sad when I try to figure out my boundaries, only to be told that the small step I try to make is not possible.
• I'm hurt when I feel like my Master gets to have fun while I'm stuck at home with our child.
• I'm hopeless when I feel stuck in a situation that makes me unhappy.

Generally, I'm just miserable. I've been taking anti-anxiety meds for 6 months and still sob. Whenever my Master goes on a date, I take more meds and try to smile at my daughter. When he tells me that he loves me, I feel it but I'm still overwhelming sad.

I don't even know why I'm writing anything down. I guess because I feel so isolated and alone. It's not a fun place to be.

This is not who I am. 

I am not a miserable person.

But I guess I am.